7 June 2013

How to spot a bad movie without actually seeing it.



I don’t really watch a lot of movies but when I do, I make sure that I watch the absolute worst, trashiest of the lot. Yep, the Cinema really brings out my self-mutilating alter ego. The sunny flipside is that after all these years, I can now almost accurately predict the absurdity quotient of a movie.

“Can you show us how?” interrupts the reporter, jerking her mic in my direction.
"I can’t show you”, I say, pausing for effect. “But I can tell you”, I give a lopsided smile and continue..

 
1.       Music
 

I knew it. Even before Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani was released I knew it would be a super cheesy movie. And I was proved absolutely right. Maybe the only reason I watched the movie was to gain true faith in my psychic abilities, or maybe it’s just the alter ego all over again.
‘Tujhe Scene Main Dikhake Film Golmaal Ke
Naam Tera Hi Likhaya Maine Wedding Card Pe
Aaya Dilliwaali Girlfriend Chodh Chadh Ke..’
If the lyrics are in the language Hinglish and are even slightly as intellectual as the aforementioned, run child, when you still can. Or even Pinglish (Punjabi+English).
But don’t make the folly of judging a song solely by its lyrics, take the lyrics from the song - ‘Telephone Dhun Mein’:

‘Telephone Dhun Mein Hansane Vaali
Melbourne Machhali Machalane Vaali
Digital Mein Sur Hai Taraasha
Madonna Hai Ya Natasha

Zaakir Hussain Tabala Tu Hai Kya..’

But the music is by Rahman and the beats are peppy, hence, the movie ‘Hindustani’ is quite good.
 
 

2. What's in a name? That which a call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet 

      No. Mister Shakespeare, that logic doesn’t apply everywhere. 
      Have you ever heard of a millionaire named Chhotu? A celebrity called Gudiya?  Or consider the reverse. Ever heard of a peon named Vikram Jaysinghania Rathore? Even if there was, I’m pretty sure he would have been instantly promoted.
 
Bittu, Delhi-6:
This name is still digestible if it was given to a male, but a girl Bittu? Please. That name refuses to budge past the oesophagus.  The best part about making your own movie must be being the ultimate puppeteer of all the trivial yet important details.  If the strings are lose, the puppet is definitely going to fall, no?
 
 
Bunny, Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani:
 I see it, I see the startling resemblance. Whoever named him, I offer my deepest condolences to his children.

Uncanny, no?
 
 
The name of the movie, is obviously an important detail. Yet there are movies like Shakalaka Boom Boom and Ta Ra Rum Pum. And people watch it.


      No, I haven’t watched it!
No. No.
Okay.
Maybe once.


                         
 
 
 
3.       (Un)wanted Species

Do not watch a movie with Himesh Reshammiya in it.
 
               
                                 I Love You O Sayyoni-X3. Koi Shaq? What's up?


      Or E-muah-raan Hashmi.
Or Tushar Kapoor.
Or Sunny Deol.
Or Bobby Deol.
Or Akshay Kumar.
Or Salman Khan.
Or Ranveer Singh.
 
The first one primarily because it’s a double dhamaka of visual plus auditory torture.
Go on, splash this comment on Page 1 if you want. But this is my opinion and I care two Hoot Hoot Dabbangs about it.
 
The reporters scribble furiously.
 
4.       Crazy Promotions
 
If a month before a movie’s release you spot the actors in a plethora of Reality TV Shows like singing and dancing contests, comedy shows, game shows, cookery contests, pet shows, steal-your-girlfriends-show, sell-your-boyfriend-show, see-who-can-fart-the-loudest-show and so on, then chances are that the movie is as intelligent as Mallika Sherawat’s interviews. 

      Yes, once the idiot resides in the idiot box he rents a space on the big screen as well.


Classy, indeed.
 

The worst is when promotions are subtly (read: not) inserted into the script of daily soaps.


 
See what I mean?
 
 
5.  Too much of a Good Thing?

 
I know how with all the tips I’ve provided you, it might seem like the right option to watch only the good movies. But sometimes, don’t be hesitant to watch a Tees Maar Khan. You need to taste the Karela in life in order to enjoy the Chicken Biryani. Life is not monochromatic, it’s black and white combined together. It’ll not only help you to stop taking things for granted but also make you realize the value of your time and money. Life is like…uh wait..(I take out a piece of paper and read out. Damn it, I should have planned this better) an onion! You have to weep in order to to cut it properly.
 
A teardrop silently rolls down the cheek of the reporter to my right in the dark grey suit.